You Are Not Your Thoughts

Many people believe that their mind is one coherent thing.  I like to think of the mind as a conference call with a bunch of people, all trying to talk at once and all having different opinions.  Our mind is made of random thoughts, associations, memories, feelings, and lots of voices. There is also an inner referee who listens to it all and tries to make sense of it.  

We might often feel guilt or shame for the terrible thoughts that float around in our heads.  People might say to themselves; “How can I have such a terrible thought? I must be a monster.” In reality that is just another thought.  We make a mistake when we believe that because a thought shows up in our head that that represents who we are as a whole person. This is just not true.  Our mind is a vast network that is constantly in motion. Any meditator knows that when you start to pay attention to your mind it can drive you crazy because it is all over the place.  

The trick is to recognize your mind for the random maelstrom that it is and try not to hold yourself accountable for it. We are accountable for our behavior, not our thoughts.  Thankfully our mind gives us the ability to focus and we can learn to focus on what we want. We can learn to tune the channel to what is helpful and let what is not helpful fall back into the primordial soup.  

Daily meditation and mindfulness can help you to clearly see the separation of your inner sandstorm and the part that makes decisions about who you are using your beliefs, values, goals and emotions.  

So the next time you imagine strangling your pet who just threw up on your new carpet, or imagining your boss’ car driving over a cliff, remember this is just a product of feeling hurt or angry and part of the inner noise but does not doom you to murder or hatred. You decide how you will behave and what information you will use to make those decisions.  You are not your thoughts! Below are a few thought traps that we can fall into:

Being overtaken by strong feelings.  

Feelings are very powerful and can color our decisions in profound ways.  Many times we fail to separate ourselves from our feelings. We use language like “I am angry” or “I am sad”.  Feelings can come and go like a thunderstorm. Just because we are experiencing an emotion does not mean that we become that emotion.  It can be helpful to think about feelings as messengers. They let us know when we perceive that something positive or negative is happening.  But keep in mind that feelings are not alway right. They can be wrong and lead us astray. For reasons related to neuroscience, which I wont get into here, our feeling self can be much more powerful than our rational, logical self.  So it will take a lot of work to calm down the system and resist acting rashly.  

First we need to stop and recognize the feelings that we are having. Are we feeling anger, joy, fear, sadness, pain, etc?  Taking a step back and recognizing what feeling you are having can help reduce some of the energy that comes with it.  

Thoughts can fuel feelings and vice versa

Thoughts and feelings have a deep relationship and can act to enhance or reduce each other.  For example, If I think someone did not call me back because they don’t like me, that may increase my feelings of anger, sadness and even self doubt.  But if instead I decide that they are tied up in something else then this may reduce the intensity of my feelings. Being aware of the beliefs we adopt can help us better understand where feelings are coming from.  If you can’t identify where you feelings are coming from than it may be coming from the past or situations that seem similar. Notice what memories come up around the feeling and if the past is trying to hijack your future.  It can be really helpful to talk to someone when this happens. Someone who can listen in a caring way without giving advice. A professional can help you sort through some of the difficult feelings that don’t seem to go away on their own.   

They sky is falling

Really? Is it? How often do we say things like “my life is ruined, this is gonna kill me”.  These are exaggerations that often needlessly amplify our feelings and may cause us to behave in ways that hurt us.  I once knew of a person who was going to an interview and spilled a large cup of coffee on themselves just before the interview.  I’m sure the person was feeling a variety of negative thoughts and feelings like anger, self doubt, fear, anxiety - all of the good ones. There were a million ways this person could have acted.  While I’m sure there were thoughts like “my life is over” and “why does this always happen to me” this person focused on the voice that said that negative events sometimes carry gifts. They believed that the folks in the interview would probably understand what happened, if not see the humor in it.  And if they didn’t, was this the right place for them anyway. So the person padded themselves down with napkins as best they could and went into the interview. They smiled and said “You won’t believe what just happened to me” This approach probably elicited empathy and connection with the folks on the interview panel.  As a result this person got the job.  

Now I’m sure the person had all the same doom and gloom feelings the rest of us had but decided to focus their thoughts on more positive interpretations of the situation.  

Check your stories

When we don't know something we often make up stories about it. Our stories are often fueled by past experiences, beliefs, and thoughts.  This is natural as our brain works really hard to try to make sense of the world around us. It’s very helpful if we check our stories. We can ask ourselves:

•  What evidence is there that this story is true? 

• Could there be other explanations for this story?

• Am I being hijacked by my emotions?  

• How does believing this story make me feel? 

• What more do I need to learn about this? 

 So remember that you are not your thoughts!  Our mind is full of voices, memories, feelings, imagination, and fortunately a rational decider.  Use logic and good questions to help guide you on what perspective you want to adopt. You are not beholden to the automatic/default  perspective that pops up. Don’t blame yourself for negative thoughts. Like a good brainstorm session, we have to get out the not so great ideas before we can unbury the great ones.  

Taming The Inner Critic

We all have the mean voice in our head who is glad to tell us how much we screwed up and how terrible we are.  It's glad to point out how others are so much better than we are and that we are constantly falling short of the mark.  

This voice can be devastating.  Many people might suggest that you try to ignore this voice. When ever you do it just keeps screaming louder and louder.  I’d like to suggest a different way of dealing with this inner jerk; embrace it.  

The ultimate purpose of this inner voice is to keep us safe.  So in that way we have to thank it for caring. It is also not the most well informed voice that we have in our head.  It believes that if it shames us enough we will never take a dangerous risk and try something that we might fail at. It believes that if we never try then we will never get hurt.  

Rather than fight this nasty voice I often try to thank it for being worried about me.  I let it know that I hear it and that it has nothing to worry about. I assure it that if I fail I’m going to pick myself up and learn from my failure.  I let it know that I’m proud of myself for trying and that I took action on something that mattered to me. I let it know that I’m more capable than it thinks. I will keep trying because I know that each failure makes me stronger and that what might seem like a failure at the moment could turn out to be a success later on.  

So yes, embrace and thank your inner critic.  Let it lash out with it’s terrible advice, let it be there and thank it for worrying about you but don’t embrace it’s message.  You know more than it does. Beating people up is never a good way to teach them anything or to keep them safe. People typically learn better through encouragement, patience, and love. 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

As human beings we are storytellers.  In fact, our brain likes to make sense of the world so it actively tries to pull clues from the environment and comes up with reasons why things happen the way they do.  The only trouble is that often our stories that we tell ourselves are completely false and made up.  

During 911, I worked at a college campus in California.  Students were freaking out all over campus trying to make sense of what happened.  I was doing my best to console students and help them process what had taken place on the other side of the country.  

While I was walking by a group of students I heard one student say “Hey there is an ambulance on campus I wonder why?”  Another student responded. “It's here in case we have a terrorist attack on campus”.

Even though I was an administrator, I had no idea why the ambulance had suddenly appeared.  Though a logical part of my brain told me that the chances of us being involved in a terrorist attack deep in the heart of Northern California did not make much sense.  I can see how this student could have drawn this conclusion and I understood her fear.  

So, I countered her story with “None of us actually knows why the ambulance is here so why don’t I make a call to find out”. I called the security office and found out that coincidentally there was an unrelated medical emergency on campus that the ambulance had responded to.  I was happy to inform the students that it had nothing to do with a possible terrorist attack.  

Like my role with the students above, we have to provide checks on our inner story tellers.  The first step in doing this is recognizing when you are going into story mode. Watch for times in your day when you make assumptions about what is happening.  Ask yourself what alternative stories could be out there. Doing so can prevent a lot of embarrassment if you are wrong.  

Sometimes these stories we embrace can lead to self fulfilling prophecy.  Let's say you believe that someone does not like you and you begin to avoid them.  Your behavior might lead them to their own story. Perhaps they believe you are stuck up and so they start acting snotty around you.  Next thing you know you really don’t like each other all based on untrue stories.  

One of the best ways to combat stories is to ask someone.  Yes it makes us a little vulnerable but it also can sooth our perceived hurt feelings and strengthen our relationship with that person. 

You:  “Suzy, I noticed you are pretty quiet around me lately and I am wondering if I have done something to offend you?”  

Suzy: “Oh god no, someone in my family died this week and its been really distracting.  It’s all I have been able to think about.”

This is a clear example of how direct communication can help clear up our negative stories and change our feelings. You may go from feeling anger and hurt to suddenly compassion and guilt for thinking the worst.  Remember the old adage: Never assume as it makes an ass out of u and me. 

Accepting Yourself

Self acceptance is not something you can look for or something you can achieve.  It is a way of understanding and seeing yourself. It’s knowing how to manage all of the negative voices in your head that tell you that you are unworthy.  

Still not convinced?  Let’s look at the opposite of self acceptance which is self doubt and self criticism.  You probably did not have to sit on a mountain meditating for twenty years to learn self doubt and criticism.  Usually we learn it through listening to others. It is a state that we often find ourselves that takes little practice.  All we have to do is acknowledge the critical voice in our head that negatively compares us to others or tries to control our behavior through shame.  Self doubt and self criticism are pretty easy states to get into and they are both very powerful and effective.  

When we embrace or amplify self doubt, this leads to negative emotions like shame, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, and depression.  If we ask our selves questions like why am I so stupid or why am I so unloveable your brain will seek out thoughts, memories, and “facts” that prove why you are so terrible.  

A wonderful aspect of your mind is our ability to consciously focus on what we think about.  If I’m scared, I can think about a time when I felt safe. If I feel weak I can ask my brain what are the things that make me strong.  By focusing on what makes us awesome then it lessens the effect of the negative messages and emotions that float around in our heads.  

Belief plays a powerful role in who we are and how we behave.  If I believe that I am a worthless person who adds no value to the world then that will change how I view and understand interactions with other people, how I interpret the world around me.  It will play a profound role in my relationships with others. How might I view the world or behave differently if I believed that I’m a good human being who does the best I can? That I can make mistakes and still have worth and value just for who I am.  

You are a truly unique individual and no is exactly like you.  That means that you have a unique perspective and unique experiences that drive you.  You may share traits with others but no one is exactly like you. Even identical twins, who share identical genetics are very different.  They both have different experiences that shape who they are and how they relate to the world around them. So in at least this way you are amazing.  You are the only you who has ever been the the only you that will ever be.   

You have a right to exist and to take space in the world.  How many people do you know that others may label as a jerk.  Some people just act in horrendous ways and yet we still accept them for who they are.  We say “ah that’s just grandpa”, or that’s just “Aunt Patty being Aunt Patty”. No matter how distasteful we may find them or how much they annoy us we still accept them and love them for who they are, and yet we struggle so hard to find that acceptance for ourselves.  

If you find yourself being super critical of other people there is a good chance that you are also highly critical of yourself.  I’m a strong believer that people make the best decisions they can based on their knowledge, feelings, beliefs, and values. You may not always like the decision you made and yet you made it based on your beliefs, feelsings, and understandings at that moment.  We must try to look back at ourselves with compassion and understanding rather than shame and regret.  

This does not mean that we don’t take responsibility for our actions or that we cain’t make new decisions in the future.  In fact, the more we accept ourselves the easier it is for us to take an honest look at our decisions and decide if we want to do it differently in the future.  It’s a lot easier to admit when you have made a mistake when you are able to accept that you are not perfect and still worthy even when you make a mistake.