The Stories We Tell Ourselves
As human beings we are storytellers. In fact, our brain likes to make sense of the world so it actively tries to pull clues from the environment and comes up with reasons why things happen the way they do. The only trouble is that often our stories that we tell ourselves are completely false and made up.
During 911, I worked at a college campus in California. Students were freaking out all over campus trying to make sense of what happened. I was doing my best to console students and help them process what had taken place on the other side of the country.
While I was walking by a group of students I heard one student say “Hey there is an ambulance on campus I wonder why?” Another student responded. “It's here in case we have a terrorist attack on campus”.
Even though I was an administrator, I had no idea why the ambulance had suddenly appeared. Though a logical part of my brain told me that the chances of us being involved in a terrorist attack deep in the heart of Northern California did not make much sense. I can see how this student could have drawn this conclusion and I understood her fear.
So, I countered her story with “None of us actually knows why the ambulance is here so why don’t I make a call to find out”. I called the security office and found out that coincidentally there was an unrelated medical emergency on campus that the ambulance had responded to. I was happy to inform the students that it had nothing to do with a possible terrorist attack.
Like my role with the students above, we have to provide checks on our inner story tellers. The first step in doing this is recognizing when you are going into story mode. Watch for times in your day when you make assumptions about what is happening. Ask yourself what alternative stories could be out there. Doing so can prevent a lot of embarrassment if you are wrong.
Sometimes these stories we embrace can lead to self fulfilling prophecy. Let's say you believe that someone does not like you and you begin to avoid them. Your behavior might lead them to their own story. Perhaps they believe you are stuck up and so they start acting snotty around you. Next thing you know you really don’t like each other all based on untrue stories.
One of the best ways to combat stories is to ask someone. Yes it makes us a little vulnerable but it also can sooth our perceived hurt feelings and strengthen our relationship with that person.
You: “Suzy, I noticed you are pretty quiet around me lately and I am wondering if I have done something to offend you?”
Suzy: “Oh god no, someone in my family died this week and its been really distracting. It’s all I have been able to think about.”
This is a clear example of how direct communication can help clear up our negative stories and change our feelings. You may go from feeling anger and hurt to suddenly compassion and guilt for thinking the worst. Remember the old adage: Never assume as it makes an ass out of u and me.